The misleading conceptual state of the mind

The manufacturing of life is yours. All yours. You are the reason for your own existence. In the flow of life, in the unfolding deepest layers and pain, you can meet yourself. So as I did. A couple of years ago. In the deepest fears, the deepest pains lay the draft to make yourself smaller, not seen and even not recognized by the humanly self. As all sequenced layers had hidden you for so long, so did mine.

Huge thick walls of pains, iron fences with wire to protect myself against the outer world. As least that was my opinion and I really felt that this way. Misled for decades the universe invited me to see myself by another perspective, the one who lay under those deep and even steep walls of self-rejection, self-punishment and even in disobedience of my soul, read higher self, I lacked myself worthiness. I was sanded and stuck in my own shaped desert. In nothingness land, shaped into the pains, the anxieties and all I ever thought that was mine with my own mind.

Consistently misled by my mind, I felt lost as said, and in the unknowing unpleasant state of being I felt really fed up with everything and that was not just a statement. I had abandoned myself for ages, since the middle ages perhaps, and even though I thought that all was fine the feeling inside showed me a contractionary side of the real, actual, state of my being at that time. Frankly said, my mind and my life had molded me in a shape, a body fit form -internally seen- that didn’t suit my well-being at all.

The moment that I realized that I was way gone too far in the resistance, also the avoiding part, in facing the real facts. My life facts. In my own stubbornness I rejected, I forgot myself completely and in the spelunks of old pains, in the rejection state of being, you might turn yourself in a forgetful being. Not only by self but by others too. The moment I started recognizing myself, and stopped rejecting myself, others started to see me too.

Since my younger ages I feel constantly rejected. I felt myself judged and rejected. This feeling was very stubborn too and even I started to search in my midlife to a consistent lifestyle to upgrade my life with (more) happiness I travelled a lot for this inner and outer search and even surrounded with likeminded people I felt sometimes a huge rejection too. Even then I had no clou what happened and ought to compromise myself to be liked. Bended and adapted like a chameleon, when they allowed me, but in the meantime I lost myself the more and the more as I was adapting to others to be liked, to be suited and recognized as a human being and it occasionally happened they did. On the other hand I was leaving myself by giving myself so easily away to them that I had no boundaries after all. All what you see is true me and as all external input is free… grab as much as you can. And some did.

The goodies of life is to learn to you haven’t settle to anyone to happify them. The only agreement you have to make is one with yourself. Your soul self. As I was experiencing many times, feeling hard and harder, there came a day when I allowed myself to feel what this pattern did to me and what the underlayment of this attitude was. This pattern what was mines and every time again I fell into my old habits to satisfy everyone around me besides myself.

The moment I started to take the lead with my soul, I was able to feel that all I had conquered, all I had fought, all I was rejected was the thought of myself. I had fought against myself, my feelings and not at least my beloved soul (self). I was the master, the manufacturer of my own life and it held me in its grip. With its anxieties, its conclusions, its judgmental meanings too and after I was able to feel, I consciously opened up by recognizing patterns, the dynamics of myself. The greatest achievement really was the feeling without the stigmatization of the mind and this was an immense eyeopener.

This opened not only the eyes of my soul, my path and it contributed to my well-being it also had an enormous effect on the way how I saw myself and treated this same self too. My higher self knows that all that presumptions, that rejection and even the not seeing part was all hidden in myself. I was the one who rejected myself so badly. Not others. Being my worst enemy ever. I was the one who couldn’t see and recognize my inner beauty, my potential self and my abilities to give something to the outer world without giving myself completely away.

My days as a rejected chameleon are over. I am aware in every sequence of myself and even the slightest, the tiniest, misleading concept of my old mind being must work hard, very hard, to bring me down again, mislead myself, and take me to the mistrusted, the judgmental and unworthy chameleon I used to be. Even in times of despair, of falling back into my old habits, I manage to bring me back in silence to my inner stillness center, my inner sanctuary of rest and feeling, and in this new pattern is no room for that mind with its narrowness, its preset conclusions and rejection… of self. I manage to bounce back and in the process of learning it takes less time each moment my mind steps in to take over. It is quite a process but so worthy. The only seclusion we make as human beings is the one we make with our minds… Be aware in awareness to recognize your old patterns…

Love, Irmgard

By Irmgard Daanen