It is early in the morning and it is still dark. Trembling dark. Outside but grieving dark inside. I am rejected most of my life and in this early morning, as the birds start to whistle, I feel the deepest pain of rejection ever.
I used to laugh my deepest pains away but since that I am shaken to awaken into my deepest spelunks of being it won’t work anymore. I have to feel. Just about when I thought (!) I had it all, lived it all and conquered even my worst, deepest and everlasting pains… I felt I was wrong. Deeply too.
As I couldn’t sleep anymore it instantly reminded me of something I dealt with last week. I feel myself rejected most of my life by a close relative. Since the age of sixteen I grew, enlarged and had grown due to life circumstances. I emotionally felt that I could eat every difficulty away now and then and I gained so much weight that I went from hundred pounds (when I was sixteen) to 160 pounds since my eighteenth birthday. As life wasn’t easy I grew in the years after tot a maximum weight of 204 pounds in 2014.
The intensity was the more I grew the more this relative said that I was too thick, it was unhealthy and it was not nice. This went on and on almost every time we meet and even when I shrinked after my awakening moment in June 2014 in one and a half year from 204 pounds to 118 pounds the criticism kept on going on: due to that I lost too much weight I was becoming ugly!
Rejection kept on coming and not only this relative rejected me. I was rejected so much times in my life that I can write a book about it. I had no self-confidence, I had no self-esteem and most of all I did reject myself too. Even after losing so much weight I kept on seeing myself in the mirror being fat, ugly and not worthy. I was my own worst judge.
Last week I had a birthday and I saw that particular relative again. Before we went I said to my husband I bet that I will hear that I become too fat. As life was deep for quite some time now I had eaten myself so wealthy that all my trousers almost won’t fit anymore. Again. I was happy that nothing was said.
Just when I wanted to leave this person lay a hand on my thigh and looked contemptuously to me showing with that face everything and all. Immediately I started defending myself that I knew I had grown, that it will be fine someday and I concluded my words by saying that it is not about my looks but about what lives internally. It is important what you send out by heart and not how your appearance is. I left with a big hug not knowing that this started to hurt deeply a few days after.
This morning I felt that hand on my thigh deeply again, experiencing that look of contempt again and I felt so rejected that I started to cry. For all that moments of former rejection too. As the universe is always awake I heard “ it is not yours. This person rejects herself”. Nicely said and true too but my deepest rejection lies although in myself. I felt that self-acceptance was the solvation and my salvation too. My healing had set in and I feel that when I heal myself I will heal family karma too. That is okay. I know that for quite some time that my processes, my presence and contribution also lies in shaking the family dynamics and heal quite some issues what swirled around for quite some time and lives.
This revelation, the deepest feeling of rejection by this close relative shocked my being to heal. To heal my own pain to make room and getting the family pains heal on the subject ‘rejection’ at the same time. I can’t blame this person as I feel her pains too and even when they aren’t mine I am aware of that. This gives me the possibility to stay mild and loving. This is exactly what I should give myself too: mildness and love in order to accept myself. The deepest pain isn’t solved by just feeling it. The deepest pain(s) are solved and healed by forgiving yourself, by accepting what is and being loving towards self. I am still not there and I never will as my soul voyage keeps on going. Facing the universal truth: I am not my flesh and blood. I am my soul and all what I send out by my heart and soul counts, the intention counts and not my appearance by being too thin, too meager, too fat or too large. And that is what I wanted to say to you today…
Love, Irmgard
MY HAPPY SOUL
By Irmgard Daanen
