In the determined soul process I was urged to get rid of internal and external ballast to make room for the new. As no soul process is easy, I was urged to face the deep once again, and no internal process stands on its own… it was all interwoven with the decision to sell my house.
All emotions passed by from total anger, despair too, imbalanced in the core and even almost begging to the universe to give me clarity about the new what is coming. Feeling in my guts and realizing that no door is closed before you cleaned up the mess.
So I did last week. I decluttered more, jumped in my cleaning trousers and went like a tornado through the house to do the necessary (cleaning) work. I am not fond at doing the household at all so there was many spider web and dried dirt to go through. Every day I was in total action, active like never before, I asked myself why this was happening.
Although I already felt the need to move on, I realized after that photographs for the real estate brochure had been taken, that you have to close the door of the old before you can let the new enter. By holding to the old the new stagnates to come in.
Last night I felt so much room in my heart and soul and I felt that everything I had decluttered, all that was cleaned and also the fact that the former decision was made to sell the house to move on behalf of my soul and my health gave that internal space for the things that may come.
I am extremely tired, my body hurts and there is nothing so scary that you jump into the deep and there is no clarity where you go to. As I am no prophet I simply cannot feel what is coming. Just the headlines are whispered, felt and seen but as every possibility is due to the decisions I make, the steps I take, there is no definitive outcome. And that is difficult for me as a humanly soul. Not knowing where to go and realizing that this step is necessary to move on. Certainly for my health as that burnout is going on and on…
Cleaning the outer work did clean my inner as well and I said here at home “I am proud of myself”. I am essentialized into the deeper me, facing myself over and over again in the spelunks and dualities. Realizing now that the only celebration and gratification isn’t mines, I am just an universal soul tool, but knowing that although I have ‘conquered’ myself, the mind-self, the ego-self and compulsive self, there is nothing so profound than the universal help I received with all of this. Maybe this is a minorizing of myself, it possibly is, but I know that when I wasn’t empowered, (re-)enforced, helped and loved by the universe I wouldn’t stand now on the exact moment in the okayness of myself. I am grateful, extremely tired, but extremely grateful too…
MY HAPPY SOUL
By Irmgard Daanen