Life is on big life learning conquest. The intense battle between what the mind longs of me, what life itself throws on my path and what my soul wants of me. I feel that the wanting is now far too much and being busy with all things getting ‘solved and done’ I am in a vicious circle. Trying to get out.
I shall try to explain that. As I was quietly walking the path of the soul… things, life-events and more inner and outer struggles were coming along. The biggest event was the unfortunately impulse of buying, it definitely was my soul who wanted that(!), a large square box of a house situated on a business area. I guess that my soul was impressed by that large working room. Foreseeing spreading the goodies of my soul and all the possibilities. A huge block of concrete blocks for that price and not at least very very important for that same soul self: a place to withdraw, to do my thing and living with a part of my soul (call it twin soul) together as a almighty couple driven together by their souls but randomly need space, lots of space, to be, to do their thing… Happily living together… apart.
As the happiness in my burnout is an everlasting missing component… I feel that this is not the place to be. I sewed the demolition company, who demolitioned like a big trembling hammer bouncing on the earthly floor to get the work done and in this conceptual working state of being I was quite shaken too. Demolished at the end. After the bricks went down, I felt apart too. But that is not the reason for this text. As my eldest came moving in, between all and everything, as the bond between Mr. ex, his dad, was rather troubled by some actions and the energetic flow between them too, one day, now 1,5 months ago, I got my eldest living in my cellar.
As life didn’t gave me enough until so far I said to him my heart and house are big enough to let you in. As the last time he left home, my formerly home with that same Mr. ex, my son and I didn’t get along quite well and we both had a traumatic experience before, during and after. But… life gives you second chances if you didn’t have learnt enough from the first. The universe is quite magic and the moment I start believing in that, rather experiencing it, oh boy that magic came in. I can write my own fairy tale book about it.
Nevertheless my giant big son moved in and I started to like it that he lives here. But not for long. He will get his key for his new home soon. I already miss my nearly blind dog barking in the middle of the night because my son made his nightly baked toasts, the random actions, the Mc Donalds ice-creams he buys for his mama (as he always has hunger in the evenings) and not at least his restless feet. Always on the move as he is so restless he can’t sit (still). I certainly will miss him. Leaving the nest, my new nest with my new partner, twice… gives me already melancholy. This phase is almost ended. Maybe getting an empty nest syndrome for the second time. Knowing for sure that this time I didn’t ‘fail’ as mother but that I can look back at this period hereafter with a loving heart and remembering all the good things what happened during his time here. Healing after all. Thank you universe for this second ‘chance’…
MY HAPPY SOUL
By Irmgard Daanen