I feel, I wonder, I am

The tricky thing about life that we always  think we have to do something. If you don’t recognize this… at least I do. I am my greatest push, the most workaholic forecaster and the most deepest work addict there is. And that is not only the thinking that I have to keep myself busy.

The biggest push nowadays comes from that energetic inner blast: that soul of mine. Since the universe rang on my soul door that inner wealth is going on and on. It was remembered in its original state of being and that… (it is really true) was a long time no seeing.

Meeting too. I lost the connection, the universal alignment meaning the connection with my soul too, for more than 50 years. That is quite long but… hey never too old though! So I am. Originated in its own rooting. The unique roots of that glowing inner blast. It screwed its chords into the ground and like an anchor it is there. In its prominent awareness. And me, oh pity me sometimes, has to deal with it. It pushes me forward, beyond my limits and even again out of my comfort zone.

Knowing and feeling deeply there is no way back just the way, the foreseen path, forward. Hallelujah, praise the providence of being! Besides that universal plan and contract it keeps me busy, going and I am so unfortunately challenged that I only can follow the leads. It isn’t easy all the way, that isn’t promised, but hell yes it gives you that feeling that you are alive. Moving. To be honest, that is awesome as I slept more than the half of my life. Glad the universe woke me up… Can’t figure that I still should wear my pyjamas and bear slippers!

The work ethic is totally mines. When I feel the need, the inner need, of expressing myself in words, creativeness or deeds I can decide to ignore it. But that soul of mine, that radiant thing, is so eager to keep me busy and to produce, give and radiate its inner light around. It exhausts me now and then.

On those days, like today when I am so tired of all what’s currently happening in my life (I ask myself when isn’t?) it feels clearly that in the awakened state of being I am able to wonder, to feel deeply and be connective. To self and others. In the subconscious state of the mind there is nothing to experience so deeply as your own ignorance, denial of mistrust of your own feelings. Concluding that although I am trembled and busy, work myself in a perpetual circle around, again and again, I wouldn’t want to go back to that day I felt myself a passant, a figurant, in my own life. I feel, I wonder, I am… Well, let’s do something today!

Love, Irmgard

By Irmgard Daanen