I do not play hide and seek anymore

The universe is quite an inventive medium to make you listen to yourself when you won’t. In the never ending story in ‘the giving myself away concept’ they sure had a prophesied meaning of setting me standing still.  And sure they did. No doubt about that.

I feel sick, I feel stuck and feel concluded in my own meaning of life. In the elaborate state of being, I seek on dwelling in the past and into old even knowing that it won’t bring me any further. The collapsed, downsized, self feels outraging not useful and depressed in its old ways. So far no good and although the rambling state of neglecting myself for decades I feel that there is change on the way. New things starting to happen.

But that mind of mine, feeling blurb in its actual state of heading a desert storm into my mind not only in energy but also in my body as it hurts due to corona, I am aware and awaken enough to stand up in this trembling sandy, wuthering state of mind. Where there is storm, things are shaken up in conceptual basis and for me it is time, divine time, to settle not down in my own peculiar thoughts of being but to get moving out of that awful state I feel now. So, no less no good. Even a happy soul can feel awfully shit so now and then. Called life on its best.

I am not here to write and predict that everything will be fine, all right and many many others things to get you convinced of your own happiness. We are all responsible for our own conceptual state of being and I only can give you what I live and even when that is shitty… it is a part of life too. On the other hand all the shit taken by the hand it never is so worse that there is no glimpse of the light at all. There is always light at the end of the tunnel. Even how bad it seems the light always will get back in.

I am trembled and shocked by the fact that we hardly can buy another house what is set in the green grounds my soul desperately seeks for. Needs to be. Only hours and hours away of my beloved kids and my aged parents. It is an unbelievable dilemma and although I yesterday evening got some universal uplifting words about it… “stay on track, keep on following, keep the faith, hold the truth and surrender…” (it is always the same…) I hardly can do anything else than follow the leads further. As it has brought me here and so far, it will certainly bring me to a more suitable place, a happier environment or a delighted outcome.

Maybe you might think that I am nagging or am complaining maybe it is but in the total detachment of last years nothing is for certain anymore and that takes a big leap in my faith. In the faith to be settled in a place that gives me so much comfort that I may bloom, shine and show the world my unique petals like we all have.

In the current state I feel ‘sparkleless’, empty and highly adapting on how I feel myself. The current question is how do I get my sparkle back and how to master this inner glow is the main theme of my day. What do my hurting body and that sandy mind need to keep on going? I envision a positive attitude but that is hard to live now. Fortunately nothing has no ending and has to be settled in the state of the moment as moving is the only concept to get grip on the situation I certainly feel that I am on the move, not playing hide and seek anymore with my essential self, but moving in the best state of being. For myself, my soul and soul life. In the realization of this I can starting to make, once again, steps on behalf of my beloved soul again.

Love, Irmgard

By Irmgard Daanen