The happy state of being is the one you live inside. The internal feeling of happiness is the one you should live and not the happy thought. As my clouds of being were very grey today I couldn’t feel and even think myself happy. I looked trough the window, feeling the winter cold in my bones, and the weather was awfully grey. Just like I was.
As the singularity of my being totally stands on its own I wasn’t able to uplift my being just a tiny bit. I noticed my cluttered working space and I even couldn’t be happy with all that collected, sampled and cluttered goods over the years. In the mistrust of being skinny one day again I also saw boxes of clothes I already put on Vinted to be sold.
Vinted is really awesome… at least it was. The novelty is already forgotten and as my living space, working room and all closets are extremely well occupied, the winner of it all is my art nouveau clothing closet. All that greyness cluttering around and also in my head building an over sensitivity… my senses were completely overflown and my working ethos too.
In the overwhelming state of all that stuff, goods and my formerly happy minds collectables I didn’t see at first sight the solvation and salvation of my cluttering problem. All did, I am really honest about this, distract me and pulled me more in the grey clouds who also darkened my mood further. How distracted, tired or grey I feel… I never can’t sit still (only when I write and drink my coffee!) and after all I called the local charity of clothes.
Charity starts always in your heart but today it started in my veiled head and in the mist of being I filled several bags ready to be taken away and never seeing them back. The contractionary of this great assembled feeling was that I had to collect several packages of Vinted at several pick up parcel shops and I felt really stupid buying more stuff on Vinted as I could ever wear in my entire life. Certainly when I keep on snacking, eating and feeding my inner goodies with all I can find, like I did last months. Some call this emotional eating. I call it eating without any thoughts or feeling at all and snacking around -as much as I can eat- is just the way to cope with my problemized life.
The dogma and the stigmatic belief too is that I will never be as skinny as I was before and all that collecting clothes and even keeping the old sizes for that… meager day will come again might be a tangible problem to be solved, internally. I just need energetic space and that is why my weight scale weights 24 pounds heavier than it used to be. No wonder I fancy clothes in more sizes than that is good for me.
Grey or not today, I decluttered my clothing closet and my working space. The bags are all in the hall… I like charity, I sure do, but I put all the cheap clothes as bargains on Vinted now as my sale has begun. It is a start. It certainly made room in my misty mind too. One step at the time is okay… knowing into my feeling that this made me happy after all this day…
MY HAPPY SOUL
By Irmgard Daanen