Life is a real ride. With uncountable ups and downs. I have been there and faced the deep many times. Frankly said, this one of the deepest moments of my life. The time of being that you have to let go. For your own sake. For your well-being. Knowing, intuitively, that it is to bend or to burst.
Bursting in my grief, pains, whirling around in self-pity and maybe moaning and complaining too. Or on the other hand, instead of feeling very, very sorry for myself for all the things I had to live and missed on the same time dozens and dozens of other things, to bend. Bend into surrender. Full of gratitude that I have learned so much in this intense roller coaster.
Soaking into fulfillment is not what I am up to. I am aware that I am in my awakened shape of being fully conscious now what I want to live and certainly what I don’t want to live anymore. Knowing for sure, but acting on behalf of my well-being, that is just one step too far. Still.
As most people certainly recognize is that we are all born like natural born givers. ‘Give- away people’. Give so much love, and giving also so much light away that you forget to give this fuel of life also to yourself. In the enormous flight of giving, people pleasing and giving, giving unto you fall… there on the contrary also giving to self. As a life saving compound of being. Calling self-love, self-care and self-respect (worthiness) too.
I can only give as my cup of love can serve. Realizing that in this overflowing cup lies even the invitation to myself to restrict the same self to feel deeply into my inner being what is good for me either. You never can’t serve from an empty vessel, an empty cup and/or a sparkle what is decreasing in its dashing light.
To take a good care for self is to set boundaries. Meanwhile trying to focus on self and feeling what is taking good care of self. As that was my calling for today I got a massage, arranged by a good friend of mine, to let me feel self-time and taking care for self at the same moment.
As this was more than just laying on the bed to relax… it was hard work. The woman emphasized my energy leak and together we felt that, by the magical hands she possess, my leak was shrinking. I went down from my mind into my body and felt awesomely good as the rush I felt went into a deeper state of being. In the end I felt serene restful.
We talked before and after this moment of inner peace and the conversation what keeps on repeating in my head since this wonderful meeting is… the moment we talked about happiness. I said to her I share a lot on the internet about feeling happy and happiness and I feel stressed as this is so hypocrite because of the fact that I feel so shitty last months. I don’t want to do this anymore as life is beautiful sometimes but at the same time there are so much periods of feeling depressive or feeling unhappy. She asked instantly the question: what makes you happy?
After a good thought I just knew it: writing, making art and the combination of both. Serving myself is making time to do this, take moments of stillness just to be and feel and steadily walking my processes without any rush. Step by step, breathing in and out, and feeling these breaths taking me by the hand through life. Through my processes. In acceptance and surrender. Focusing on self. To maintain myself. Feeding myself. By taking good care of myself and also doing things I love to do.
In the forgetfulness of myself, by serving, serving and more serving, I forgot who I was, what I like, what to do to feel and stay happy. In the forgetfulness of many, many beautiful people I want to share this to remember you to see, feel and spend time on self. Taking good care for all those serving souls, adapting themselves as chameleons to others, soaking into the energy to others… until their flame, their internal sparkling flame of existence, almost faded away…
MY HAPPY SOUL
By Irmgard Daanen