Consciously being

All your wisdom resides inside. In the worthful existence of your beloved soul. Before I really acknowledged this fact, this moment of existential truth, I had conquered myself for at least seven years. Conquered, you might ask?

Yes, I had to feel into every body nerve, in the deeper co-existence of truthful living of my soul and mind, that my soul had its peculiar means of showing that it needed to feel alive too. Therefore I had to conquer my ego mind, set it on multiple times aside, to let my soul, its feeling capabilities and its intuitive leads come in. In fact drip in.

As nothing could make me instant happy and the superficiality of life took more and the more its form… the ego mind had its best days ever. In this rat race of existence, of unsatisfying living, I fell into my particular hamster wheel and I couldn’t get out. The moment the universe knocked on my door I was sleepwalking through life unconsciously living and I felt almost nothing. My mind dictated me, narrated me and also the same mind made my extremely unhappy.

The period that followed I went deep, really deep. Facing the facts of my life and step by step, bit by bit, the feeling came in. It made me anxious as my mind was my secure base to rely on. Even knowing that this way of living made me very, very unhappy. The exact turnaround came the moment that I start recognizing myself. Questions popped up like ‘who I am’, ‘am I happy’ and ‘what is the reason of my existence’?  The trembling effect of this state of being brought me out of balance for quite a while.

This morning, during my short mediation, I felt that last months I lived my deepest time ever. I instantly felt too that I had to learn to love myself, to be okay with self and starting to embrace this same self too. In the revelation of this moment of stillness I gathered my feelings together and asked ‘what do I need to learn to love, embrace, myself’? As I was in that particular moment in contact with my higher self I realized that it all starts with just being. Accepting the moment now, being in the now and surrender to it.

Starting to love yourself is a process what stands on its own and the awareness of this makes me unbelievable relieved. As learning to focus on self in its moment of existence couldn’t be so hard after what I had to live before. Knowing that even the deepest pain, harshness’ or anxieties are learning moments in the evolving state of your soul self. In this inner sequenced wisdom of the soul I am now able to rely on this starting to feel in this rather than thinking what I need.

Being in consciousness is one thing and as this is my way to reinvent myself, to give myself a rebirth and rise from my ‘own ashes’, and I never will and do proclaim that this is the only way. As we are all unique, walk our personal path and we have to learn between the cadres of that unicity, you have to find your way. I only can write about what I have lived and still live. Living in awareness gives me clarity and in this state of being I see details, tiny moments of wondering, more often. A simple leaf, a flower, a tasty cup of coffee… quite simple things, can give another perspective on life itself. Actually seeing those small contributions with the eyes of my soul gives me a satisfaction beyond words. For the first time ever I feel alive.

I am on the learning school, my existential path, and there is no determined horizon, no destination at all. Walking my path I stumble, I might fall, rise up and go on. That is what is all about. There is no need for perfection as the universe does not measure in terms of right or wrong. We are the judges of the unique path we walk, of others. We condemn and judge. Be mild towards yourself, to your path and to others. Meanwhile do not hesitate to feel in awareness what you need to exist, to live and be happy. Start being lovingly conscious in self, take those moments to focus on self in stillness and figure out the consistently constitutional truth about yourself…

Love, Irmgard

By Irmgard Daanen